Emotional Roller Coaster
I feel like I should be blogging more often, but there's really not much I can think of to write here lately, but I'll give it a try. Noah and I have been hanging out at the house mostly; I get out here and there when John or one of our moms can stay with him. Noah has been for a car ride several times, only to find he's getting out at the hospital or not getting out at all. But at least he gets a change of scenery. We had his labs done yesterday morning with good results. His ANC was as high as it's been since before the first round, so we got the thumbs up for the second round of chemo; we leave tomorrow morning at 7am and will probably stay at Children's through Saturday. Noah has a rash on his face, arms, legs, and bottom that's been sticking with him for about 6 days, and we're not sure what it is or why it's there. Hopefully we can figure that out tomorrow as well. He's had some headaches, and has been a little more clumsy and angry than usual. He is becoming even MORE strong willed than ever...he is approaching the 2 mark; I suppose that has something to do with it. It's SO hard not to laugh when I catch him doing something wrong (like sitting on the dining table) and he looks up with a big grin and yells, "Hi Mommy!!!" in an attempt to distract me from what he's doing.
I think this stay at the hospital is going to be better; we will definitely be more prepared as far as what to expect and how Noah will react. During the last treatment his nurse gave him a stethoscope to keep. They take his vitals a good bit, and in the beginning it was nearly traumatizing for him. Now, he helps put on the blood pressure cuff and actually pushes the button to start the machine, and he "helps" take his temperature with the "beep-beep" as he calls it. (The stethoscope is considered a "beep-beep" as well.) It's cute, but sad at the same time, that he knows the routine.
I know this blog is very random: but right now Noah's working on a puzzle of motorized vehicles and yelling "race car" and "helicopter," which sounds more like "heh-cot-ker." He just learned those words in the past couple of weeks. I remember sitting in a small office with his surgeon moments after he removed Noah's tumor, with him telling us Noah could most likely be a special needs child. He would have to re-learn to walk, talk, even move his arms. He said there were a few moments when he almost just had to close him up because Noah was loosing so much blood - they almost lost him. Now looking at him running, playing, screaming, singing, dancing, throwing a tantrum, being disobedient....I have to praise God. If I'm not chasing him around the house, at least once an hour I find him in the bathroom washing something in the sink - yesterday it was the DVD player remote - but in those moments of frustration I am SO thankful that he is here for me to be frustrated with!
Just to be honest: I've been in a pretty low spot this week. I know I've written before about staying strong and focused by comparing our situation to others, remembering that our situation could be so much worse, and letting the Lord remind me of the bigger picture, and I still believe that. But this week I decided to just grieve my loss of normalcy, to just be angry, to just cry, to just let those emotions go that I've been trying to pretend weren't there. John and I talked about how it's getting harder and harder to answer the question, "How is Noah?" 'cause that question is so relative. Some days I can say, he's doing great for his circumstance. Other days I want to say, well, he has cancer, and his life is in jeopardy if these chemotherapy drugs don't do their job. And even if they do the job, there is still a chance that this tumor could recur and metastasize to other parts of his body. Now, this is nothing against anyone who would ask about Noah...it's just that this journey is an EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER; some days are harder than others to keep my emotions in check. So it's probably best that I am a bit ostracized from the public right now! :) Anyway, that's where I am. I know the road is long, but I also know that my God is FAITHFUL to provide what He has promised...healing for my son, in one form or another. Last night He reminded me that I can grieve for a time, and I may be angry for a time, but joy will come in the morning. And it has.
"Therefore we do not lost heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Don't focus on present suffering, but on His joy to come.
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These posts are written by Noah's parents Jessica & John David Crowe. The default author is Jess, and those written by John David will be noted.